Hi! I’m Xen. I’m kinky.
Xen is short for Xena: Warrior Brat. It’s a name I picked out on a whim late at night to log onto kinky sights. I chose it because I’m a brat and “martially oriented,” and because I thought it was funny. On here I’ve opted to stick with Xen instead of Xena, because there’s enough Xena Warrior Princess fan fiction and discussion out there, I thought it would be kind of confusing. Xen is also short for Xenial, which wasn’t necessarily intentional, but it is accurate, so I get a kick out of it.
So… let’s work in the kinks! I enjoy a variety of BDSM activities but my primary thing is spanking and punishment. BDSM is a wide umbrella that includes all different approaches and types. I’ve met people who want nothing more than to be dressed in horse gear and paraded around for approval, I’ve met people who have a small army of submissives that clean their house for them, I’ve met people who want to be worshiped, and people who want to be insulted and degraded. I know people who don’t do anything but bondage and those who are really only interested in the mental aspects of D/s. BDSM is an overlapping acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism.
I am a bottom, and a brat (duh) married to Jareth, my toppy switch (or my switchable top?). We met at a BDSM club, so there has never been any confusion or hesitation for us about introducing kink in our relationship; it’s where we started. Unless my parents or in-laws ask, in which case, WE MET AT A COFFEE HOUSE.
Names have been changed to protect the definitely guilty innocent, and details have been altered just enough for plausible deniability.
I’ve been this way for as long as I remember. When I developed crushes on people, I imagined them spanking me. I fantasize about being in trouble. I didn’t get interested in BDSM because I wanted to spice up my sex life… the need for spanking and discipline has always been there. It’s wanting be dragged over his lap and spanked when I misbehave. And I aim to misbehave.
This isn’t an add-on for me, it’s a need (not, you know, a basic need, but definitely one of the less foundational parts of Maslow’s pyramid). Spanking is NOT always about sex, but sex is always about spanking. Frankly, I think genitals of all kinds are weird and off-putting, and while I do enjoy sex I find the whole thing vaguely uncomfortable.
Having a need to be punished… to be physically controlled and overpowered… it’s confusing sometimes. I am a feminist, my husband is a feminist. There was a time I was ashamed of being like this, and it’s still not exactly something I bring up at parties. (Though, if a party conversation DOES go in that direction, that sounds like the rare party I’d actually want to attend.)
Because… it’s not just about fun and games. We are equal partners in our relationship, but the rules are real, the punishments are real, it’s painful, and when (not if) I end up in that position, I do not enjoy it. Our rules are things we’ve agreed on, and I’m the one who suggested nearly every one of them. I have ADHD, and a lot of our rules and tasks are less about power exchange and more about outsourcing motivation (Was this posted on a Friday? If it wasn’t, I definitely got spanked for it.). On the other hand, some of our rules exist solely so I can break them without doing anything really self destructive or dangerous when I need that release.
I can say no. There are times when I can’t handle play or punishment, and so we stop. There are times when enforcement is on hold because it’s too much for Jareth to juggle. There are long periods where I’ve needed to put the whole thing on pause because I get overwhelmed or just need to work some things out without the pressure of a discipline dynamic.
I HAVE A SAFEWORD. It’s “arugula.”
No, not really. My safe word is actually “red,” because that’s universal and I don’t want to struggle to try to remember something clever when I’m in some kind of crisis or panicking. Also, if I had to pick a leafy green to represent things going wrong, it would be kale, because kale is just the worst.
I’ll be sharing stories; some true, some fantasy. I don’t necessarily intend to reveal exactly where one starts and the other begins, but I imagine much of the fantasy will be pretty obvious. “Real life” stories for the most part probably won’t be exact accounts of things that have happened, but rather are inspired by our relationship and experiences (which is part of why, at least for now, I’m telling them in third person).
I haven’t decided how explicit I’ll get, but I hope it’s clear from the offset that this is adult content. My fetish, though intrinsic to my sexuality, is not always sexual… if I start talking more about my husband’s kinks, sex will be more central. Jareth and I fit very well together and our kinks are for the most part compatible. He’s kind of a convert to the punishment and spanking interest however, and I’m not as at home with some of the more typical BDSM that he’s into, so as with any relationship, we don’t always start out on the same page, and it can take some trial and error.
Once upon a time I wanted to start a webcomic. I had all these odd or funny moments that I wanted to share- just… not with anyone who actually knows who I am. I wanted to blog about my thoughts, experiences and opinions about kink, spanking, BDSM, TTWD, etc. I read pages and pages of spanking stories and some of them resonated with me and some of them made me cringe (in both good and bad ways) and I thought I’d like to try writing some of my own. I wanted to make erotic art. I could never figure out where to start, or how to balance all the different kinky expressions I wanted to make.
I am not 100% sure what this is yet. I imagine it will evolve as I go, and maybe in a year it won’t look anything like I expected. I hope to be able to lean a little more towards the instant gag comic style when I want to, illustrated narrative other times, or straight up essay when I’m feeling thoughtful. I’m looking forward to exploring and experimenting, and I’m excited to work on this… whatever this is. I was incredibly excited to work with the journal type format I introduced in Blackberries. And then I realized how time intensive that was going to be. I would like to post more than once or twice a year, so I’m going to have to settle with a simpler format unfortunately. I’ll also be reformatting the blog overall in coming months, so soon Blackberries and Wicked Girl will both be converted to single page posts, because I think having to click through multiple pages gets pretty irritating. I will try to make sure all the current pages redirect as appropriate, but if you find any broken links, please let me know. (I will also try to put up a contact page before doing any major construction!) I hope to get to a point where I’ll be posting every couple months.
I’m going to talk about navigating a BDSM relationship in the real world, communication challenges, the conflicting feelings that can come up with BDSM and/or TTWD dynamic, the clash between being a parent and maintaining a kink-life, and my struggles with mental and physical health. It’s going to get dark at times. It will probably also get overly intellectual, because that’s who I am, and sometimes weird or random, because that’s also who I am. I’ll try to keep it mixed up with some fun drawings, and balance the dark with lighter intervals, so hopefully it will be worth your while. At the very least, it should be interesting for me to create.
I’ve probably commented too much on this blog already , but I thought this worked really well… and the illustrations (particularly the cafe one) added a kind of humorous punctuation.
Your comments about what is or isn’t sexual particularly rang true. I think, often enough, our sexual identities slide in and out of other parts of who we are like a tide tasting the coastal flavours of different countries…
much like, say, mental health (which is rarely “you’re doing fine” or “you’re messed up”, but more often a case of finding our way through who we really are between what the world figures we are).
Really well written post.
Thanks Woodsy! I had a lot of fun with these illustrations! And was surprised how difficult it is to write a general “intro” type post.
You’re finding a way to say “Hi, this is basically who I am and what I’m about here”…
That’s not an easy thing at the best of times – and for so many of us, it’s something that can change on a daily basis (especially living in times like these)… and when blogging bout this kind of subject, you’re taking all sorts of other stuff (all sorts of value judgements from other parts of your life and experience) into account for all sorts of reasons.
You did all of that with a really light touch.
Thank you! I really appreciate your comments here Woodsy.
Thank you. Scared I’d commented too much. I probably don’t have much clue what I am talking about, as I kinda make it up as I go myself.
The reformatting looks fantastic, so you clearly know what you’re doing.
Thinking of maybe pausing in my blogging, giving some life changes a chance to sink in… or at least marinate a little.
Feel free to email if there’s anything even vaguely useful I could be of help with. As you’ll probably notice, my blog is a bit random…
You have great writing, brilliant artwork and engaging humour, as well as awesome formatting skills – so I think that translates to: “you’re laughing!”